If you are a long-time reader of The MangoTimes, you know I like to occasionally offer commentary on a few of the odd corners I have found in our society. In one of those corners (and every airline seat pocket) you will find a copy of the SkyMall catalog. I've mentioned this catalog of non-necessities in a previous post. You need to go read it right now! I'll wait.
Okay. Kendra and I have been traveling back and forth across the country this month and I have had several opportunities to flip through the pages of this mail-order masterpiece again. As I scan the endless collection of crap and I wonder who is taking the time to actually order this stuff, I can't help but remember that my own dad is the perfect mark for SkyMall's advertising team.
This leads me to this 2nd installment in my commentary on SkyMall merchandise. Here are a few more beauties I found during my short flight from Chicago to Philadelphia. As always, if you read through this list and see something you own or something you have purchased, I am sorry. No really, I am very sorry for you.
(*I apologize for the image quality. iPhone + turbulence = shaky images.)
TORTILLA BABY SWADDLE BLANKET - $47.99
The description on this one refers to "their delectable little toes" and "good enough to eat." Let's get something very clear: Unless you are a witch who lives in a candy house in the middle of a dark German forest, eating children or even the thought of eating children is not normal. Also, after 8 kids I'm still a little freaked out by diaper blow outs. I don't want to unwrap this tortilla and have any future confusion about refried beans!
MADEMOISELLE HAUTE COUTURE LAMP - $549
After you purchase the Leg Lamp from Christmas Story and it it just is not cheesy enough for you and your family, SkyMall swoops in for the rescue! Look at this beauty and you can get it/her for the low low price of only $549 dollars. Do you want to know the best part? SkyMall promises Curbside Delivery! Which is perfect, because then all your neighbors will also know just how weird you really are!
RELEAF NECK REST - $19.99
First question I have is this: What's wrong with using the actual spelling for "relief?" How does the alternate spelling help sell this product or cause me to want to have it?
Second question is this: Who are these giraffe-necked people using this pillow? Unlike a U-shaped pillow that allows you to remain alive, the Releaf Pillow apparently works by slowly choking you to death. Think of it as an ergonomically designed noose with moisture wicking potential. Also, take a look at the list of everyday situations that improve with a straight neck. Sleeping upright? If sleeping upright is a problem you need solved in your life, I think your biggest need is not a plush neck ring. Instead, I would be focusing on saving my money for an actual bed and maybe a pillow (followed by an actual life).
DELIGHTFUL DANCING DUCKS WELCOME SIGN - $24.95
I'm pretty sure that if I visit your house for the first time and see these three ducks out front, I am going to make some initial conclusions about you and none of them are going to be, "Hey, I'm visiting the house of a normal person!"
PIEROGI ORNAMENT - $9.95
This is being advertised as the "perfect gift for the Pierogi lover." I have to disagree. I think the perfect gift for the Pierogi lover would be an actual Pierogi. Right? Yes. That is right! One other thing to note: if you read the advertisement you will notice that this ornament is being provided from a third party called What On Earth. Now there is a company who chose a perfect name for itself.
HIGH HEEL BOTTLE HOLDER - $25.99
So. SkyMall has some fascination with mixing alcohol and shoes worn by hookers.
I have this scenario in my mind where a female SkyMall employee has had way too much wine to drink and she can no longer walk in high heels. While trying desperately to balance a bottle of wine and her wine glass, gravity kicks in and she ends up on the floor. It's in moments like these that inspiration has hit many of us, right? With her fuzzy drunk mind she gets a brilliant idea: Why not prop the bottle inside one of her high heels? Brilliant, right? Actually no, she's just drunk.
DOORBELL BROKEN YELL DING DONG DOORMAT - $19.95
If you show up at a house with this doormat out front, my first recommendation would be to avoid the house and the people inside. However, I would be just as willing to follow the advice written on the mat, because I guarantee if you yell "Ding Dong" really loud, that is exactly what you will find living in this house. Notice, this is not available for gift wrap. Do you know why? No one would ever think to give this as a gift to anyone else.
THE OFFICIAL 24 JACK BAUER DUAL TIME ZONE/COMPASS WATCH
Like shoes and alcohol, SkyMall has a fascination with watches and time. In this specific ad, they give you two options to "watch" your money disappear! While we are talking about watches and time, if you are inclined to buy this product you may need to recognize that it's "time" to admit 24 is finally over.
iDREAM EYE AND HEAD MASSAGER - $329.99
Look at this treasure. For the low low price of $329, you can guarantee you will remain a virgin forever. This product name was developed from this idea: "iDream what it would be like to ever get married to a real human being."
TIKKER - $79.99
"A wristwatch that counts down your life." Are you kidding me? This watch calculates your life expectancy. Sounds like a perfect gift for a grandparent. "Hey Grandpa! It's 5:00 and time for dinner. Don't forget to get your will written."
MOUNTED SQUIRREL HEAD - $24.95
Add a touch of outdoor whimsy? It's more like add a touch of creepy. By choosing to purchase and mount this in your home, you are telling friends and family that you have stopped trying. You save 10% when you order 2 or more. Who would buy 2 of these? Who would buy 1 of these?
PUSH PUSHI RAINCOAT - Price Range: $ 39-49.95
When did rain become an issue for dogs? Did I miss a decision somewhere in the animal kingdom when we all agreed that rain was THE issue for dogs? What the hell is wrong with us? Do you know why the leash is not included? So the dog can run to a house with real owners that won't make it wear this dumbass raincoat.
HOLIDAY STRIPE COTTON PAJAMAS - RANGE $12-25.99
Finally, some Christmas junk. There are only three brief things to note here:
First, these pajamas are imported. Which leads me to ask, which country exports this and why are we continuing to practice trade with them?
Second, notice they come in Mens, Womens, Boys, Girls, Toddlers, Infants, Dogs, and Cats. Interestingly the Cats is labeled as "Not Shown" Do you know why? Because the cat in this family is not crazy like the rest of these idiots. Personally, I am very disappointed in the dog, but if you notice in the picture even the dog is wondering what the hell is going on.
Third, this is the family who will answer the door when you stand on their mat and yell, "DING DONG!"
BIGFOOT, THE HOLIDAY YETI ORNAMENT, $9.95
Just in time for the Advent season, everyone's favorite mythical creature: Santa Bigfoot! Logically, I think the Abominable Snowman is way more "Christmasey" than plain old Bigfoot, but I guess at SkyMall nothing says Christmas like Baby Jesus and the Holiday Yeti. The only redeeming value? You are wasting less than $10.
CHILD'S JUMPING BALL - $14.99
I have absolutely no issue with this item. This is actually the one thing I think is normal and I would consider buying from SkyMall for either Christian or Joe. Not only that, at under 15$, the price is reasonable. Again, no issues.
ADULT PLUSH BALL - $79.99
However, I have multiple issues with this item.
If you are an adult and you want to wear a cowboy costume and jump on a horse or a unicorn, you should probably redirect the use of your free time to figuring out some of the issues from your childhood.
I'm not a therapist (clearly), but my best guess is that your parents never allowed you to jump on the CHILD'S JUMPING BALL shown above.
My second guess is that they made you jump on this Large Weiner shown below. A childhood of weiner jumping only leads to one place, people, and that's dressing like a cowboy and paying almost $80 to jump on a horse or unicorn!
Quietly making noise,