I Miss SkyMall
The last time I flew across the country, I realized something was missing: SkyMall. You remember this gem, right? Before we all had easy access to the internet at 30,000 feet, the airlines would tempt us with this little glossy slice of consumer absurdity.
It reminded me of a previous flight many years ago where I forgot to bring my own high-quality reading material, so I resorted to flipping through the SkyMall catalog—the in-flight magazine of non-necessities. I consider it the print version of a late-night infomercial. You know the scene: a dark room, a glowing TV, a belly full of Doritos, and suddenly you’re shouting: Yes! I do want to lose weight when I’m at work! (LINK).
Similarly, something about high altitude makes you believe that maybe—just maybe—you need a Himalayan salt lamp shaped like a dolphin or a zombie lawn gnome.
To spare you the cost of a plane ticket, I snapped a few of my favorites on our most recent trip. Ignore the quality of the iPhone photos. The flight attendant asked me several times to turn off my phone, so I was in stealth mode for most of these shots.
1. WATCH STORAGE CASE - $89.95 (or $69.95 if you aren't dripping in timepieces)
Seriously, I own one watch. Who has this many watches that they need an entire case? And then, who wants to display them? Can you imagine having a guest over for dinner saying: "Hey thanks for coming over for dinner, but before we sit down to eat...how'd you like to see something real special, because I have a collection of Casio watches you need to see..."
I also love how they offer a smaller Cherrywood case, just in case you need to take six watches on vacation with you and you don’t want to bring the entire collection.
2. SLEEPING COCOON - $79.95
This teeters on the border between awesome, stupid and creepy. I was very disappointed to find this on my trip home, because this is how my wife thinks we should sleep in every hotel room we've ever stayed in. If she saw this in the Sky Mall Catalog…actually, that line makes me laugh. As if Kendra would ever pickup and peruse the Sky Mall catalog.
By the way, in any other catalog, this would be labeled "sleeping bag." At the same time, Sky Mall missed the opportunity on their guarantee and full advertising potential. Yes, as you can see from the description, this cocoon will prevent 100% of bed bugs, but sleeping in a cocoon will also provide a 100% guarantee from sex. Ever. With anyone. So, in a sense it’s 100% useful for birth control.
3. THE LED MATRIX WATCH - $129.95
I have never seen a more confusing watch. I only use the light on my watch in the middle of the night. The last thing I need is a complex series of lights and grids for me to calculate that it's still time to sleep. Why not just create watches with mini sun dials on them?
Maybe it's just me, but I think our culture has been successfully trained with the whole "short hand/long hand" system. And, if you can’t figure out the hands of the clock format and if "telling time" isn't your thing, I think the digital format of "hour:minute" works really really well too.
This watch appeals to a very small portion of our population who can do algebraic equations and evaluate geometric patterns while wearing a ridiculously large faced watch (seriously, is this for your thigh or wrist?). *Note: the one good thing about spending the money on this watch...you can put it in your custom watch holder (See #1).
4. CAST IRON GIRAFFE TOILET PAPER HOLDER - $29.95
First, this is stupid.
Second, it seems disproportionate in size. This is clearly the wrong animal choice. A giraffe for toilet paper? That’s a paper towel job.
Maybe give the TP gig to an ostrich? Again, did we need to improve on the toilet paper roller on the wall? Some things just work and we should all agree as a society to leave them alone, because I guarantee that if we bought this giraffe it would never hold toilet paper.
It would be played with by the smallest children in the house and that's just what I want...grandsons playing with toilet paper, bronze giraffes and toilet water.
5. STEP STOOL/LADDER COMBO
I'm sorry, I didn't get the name or price on this little treat, but does it really matter? Are you actually thinking about buying this? If so, please stop reading any further, because I’m only going to offend you.
First, this looks ridiculously dangerous. This is literally where they developed the word: contraption. Also, notice that in the middle of the word “contraption” is the word “trap.” As in, this is a trap. Don’t get trapped wasting your money on this piece of crap.
Second, why do I need to buy what I have already created on my own by stacking my kitchen chairs in weird positions. Seriously, I think I’ve arranged two chairs like this when I needed to change a lightbulb once.
Third, this picture looks weird, like the furniture is alive and having sex with one another.
6. THE PEEING BOY OF BRUSSELS STATUE AND FOUNTAIN - $199
Wow, just under $200 for a little naked boy displayed in your yard. Seems appropriate.
I only included this, because since I was a little boy my parents have had this same exact statue in our back yard. That’s right. We actually have this stature already.
When my parents moved out to the valley with us. This statue came with them. It sat in their yard every day and for many years the statue of a little boy peeing was all the encouragement my own boys needed to pee freely in the great outdoors.
In fact, this photo has spurred on a brilliant idea for theMangoTimes blog (keep your eyes open for a new series on theMangoTimes called "Shit My Dad Owns").
7. LITTER KWITTER - $49.99
To fully appreciate this gem, you need to read the description.
First: "You can teach your cat to use any human toilet in eight weeks or less" So, let me see if I am reading this correctly, I give you 50 bucks and then I give up 2 months of my life training my cat to poop in a toilet.
Could I? Please!
Sign me up for "Cat Poop Training" and let me give you 50 bucks at the same time.
Second: "It works in multiple cat households.” Of course it works, People with multiple cats definitely have eight weeks of spare time. It’s not like they’re busy with human interaction.
Third, unless these cats learn to flush, I don't want to know what a house smells like that has multiple cats pooing in a toilet.
Fourth, the instructions come on a DVD. Unless you are taking me to a YouTube tutorial or a website called ToiletCat.com, I’m not going to waste my time locating my old DVD player.
Lastly, and this is just a side note, even the cat in the photo looks like it’s saying: "Are you kidding me?"
8. BIGFOOT, THE GARDEN YETI STATUE - $1,495 (lifesize)
Step one: Buy this statue for your yard.
Step two: Set a side a therapy fund for your children or grandchildren.
Notice that this is the "New Life Size" version which means that someone somewhere was mad the last one wasn’t big enough.
I also like how this is "hand painted for startling realism." I’m not the only one who sees the issue here am I? When it comes to Bigfoot, should we focus on realism?
9. BIGFOOT, THE BASHFUL YETI TREE SCULPTURE, $69.95
What is with Bigfoot? I recognize that this sculpture is for the people unwilling to fork out the $1500 for the lifesize walking version above, but there seems to be a fascination with Bigfoot, even for people on a budget.
I think he’s bashful because he seems to have no problem with hair. Everywhere. Except his forehead. Bigfoot is just shy and embarrased that the rogaine didn’t work out. I guarantee he’s been working the local Yeti bar scene wearing a trucker cap and touting the line: “You know what they say about big feet…” If only he could cover that male pattern baldness, he could come out from behind the tree.
I love a few of these advertising lines: "If you've never spotted Bigfoot, perhaps it's just because he's been hiding behind the nearest tree!" Uh, yeah, or maybe…I don’t know…it's because he's NOT REAL!"
Then this one: “Hand painted to make passers-by look twice.” Oh…believe me, after looking twice they will definitely be “passing by” your house. Then, they will cross the street and never return.
“Our believe-it-or-not sculpt is available…” Well, thank you for giving me the choice. Now that I have the choice, I think I’m going to “believe not.”
Okay friends, do me a favor and let me know if you buy any of these items or already own them (especially the cat poo training system), I will begin formal termination procedures for our relationship.
Quietly making noise,
Fletch
